"That'll be £4.24 please Mrs Dunken...again", every Saturday at 4:30pm Mrs Dunken, one of the 'regulars' of this little shop, always gets the same 'essentials' as she calls them: a packet of butter, thick white bread, cranberry juice and a packet of digestive biscuits. She asked about John again, my little brother, the 'successful one'. I said he's fine - just got promoted I think. I haven't, I've had the same job, apartment and 'regulars' for the last 19 years now but I'm proud of him - yeah i'm proud of him. Everyone knows about John in this town, he's a lawyer they keep reminding me (as if I'd forget), your mum must be so proud they say; I always same the same thing - hes good, just got a new house, a new Armani suit, living in London now I think, I don't keep track. That'll keep them going for a couple of weeks, gossip in this town spread like butter on bread.
I have the late afternoon shift today, along with every other Saturday, always the same 4:00pm-10:00pm. It's okay the times I mean, I suppose I've nothing better to do. All the local teens of the town usually come outside the shop around 8ish. They don't do anything apart from drinking and chatting, normally there's around 12 of them. Once one of them came into the shop and tried to buy some alcohol; I told him I wasn't stupid, he disagreed. But unfortunately that is the only exiting thing that has ever happened to me in this endless town.
Oh, and here's Mr Bowditch(what a surprise- another one of the regulars) getting his weekly scratch cards, I call him the 'lucky one' because he won £10 - 7 years ago. He always gets the same numbers, I would change the numbers - well i'd think about changing them, I don't think I could bring myself to do it in the end; I think i'd just stay with the old numbers, you never know something exiting might happen. You never know.
Good use of the quotidian and good cohesion. I can sense the unreliability too, so well done. Where and when is this monologue taking place? Use all the conventions. It is unusual to switch to "here's" as if it is happening now but it could be done cleverly that the speaker is in the shop but we hear his thoughts. Also proofread for capital Is and other basic grammar issues.
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